The Noosa Triathlon, 1 November 2015

Crikey, I started writing this with 2 days left until Australia’s favourite liquidators would line up at the 2015 Noosa Triathlon. Lining up with the best of Australia’s elite triathletes.

The Noosa tri, ladies and gentlemen, is no fun run on a carefree warm and balmy lazy Sunday. This is the Olympic distance triathlon held in the middle of summer in Australia’s harsh tropics. The 2015 edition served as the qualifier for the RIO Olympic Games!

1.5K ocean swim
40K bike ride
10k sprint

Whose idea was this?

Those who know often say that of all the endurance sports, triathlon is the most brutal and unforgiving. The reason triathlon hurts so much is the muscles needed for each discipline are all different. Put simply, you need to be all-around fit … as in crazy fit!

The projected time for our courageous team “Swim O Shabby” to complete the course: 4 hours of blood, sweat and tears. Hard for me to believe as I try to stop myself crying every time I bend over to put shoes on.

Please consider…

Shabby:
Couldn’t swim 25 metres at the start of the year;
Did not own a bike at the start of the year;

But she has the edge, she’s always been a runner, kinda like Forrest Gump if you want to know the truth.

But here’s a little tip, never challenge ‘The Shabby’. She has often described as the most determined person on the planet. She has trained hard, swimming 2km, 3 times a week, run 8km to work more often than not.

There are also unconfirmed rumours that Shabby now owns 6 bikes and gives weekend seminars to the SAS trainers on how to smash the human endurance barriers on extreme mountain bike rides.

Shabby hasn’t eaten a slice of bread since May and laughed hysterically when I innocently offered her a Caramello Koala. She is a dead set certainty to finish.

Bags:
Nobody knows more about pain than Johnny “Bags” McInerney.

Working closely with me for the past 3 years makes it abundantly clear that nobody has more capacity and stamina for pain than Bags. His endurance makes scaling Everest look like a walk in the park.

Up hours before dawn most days doing 1,000 push-ups and still wearing the little blue ribbon he got for coming in first at the Byron Bay (sprint triathlon), Bags burns through 5 pairs of shoes a month in training.

Bags has upgraded his ride to an “ultra-high-performance, carbon-fibre, super-premium, mortgage-your-house-to-buy-this-once-in-a-generation” bike. Even NASA are hoping to run tests on it.

Always coming first during training, we are sick of him citing passages from the Lance Armstrong Autobiography and claiming his wins are “not about the bike”, but instead it’s just his “destiny”… whatever..

But it is true Bags has been transformed. He has been consumed by an alternative universe of compulsive cycling. Bags is often seen in the office in Lycra and always gets in the face of our couriers citing his time and how to make them deliver faster; pulling out STRAVA to show who is KOM (cycling parlance: King of the Mountain).

Make no mistake Bags is a MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra) who is ready to rumble. Be warned this man is lean and mean, like a tiger.

Which brings us to me.

Crouchy:

This couching tiger (not “Crouching Tiger” – I actually mean “couching tiger”) has gone with a radically alternative approach to training.

As opposed to the more old school techniques like swimming, riding and running, my preparation has been focused on high-altitude visualisation of success. I adopted a very progressive anti-Paleo, all-carb diet with raw chocolate on demand. It may work in my favour as I theorised that carrying an extra 10kg will convert to the extra energy on the day. But let’s call a spade a spade, sending back the official tri-suit because I could not squeeze into it is not a good omen for any athlete.

Total running distance this year: 12 kilometres ( not a typo, my achilles is tighter than a liquidator’s wallet at a classy restaurant).

We are told the guys at Sports Bet are refusing to accept bets on my finishing, citing that nobody would be that stupid to put skin in that game. Worse, no insurance company will offer me life insurance either. But let’s stay positive. Should Bags, Shabby and I tie for first place, not only will we be celebrating atop the podium, we will also have made the Olympic team and be RIO bound.

Join us and sing along:
“WE ARE GOING TO RIO
RE E OH
RE E OH”

Or, better still… let’s remember that we are all doing this for a good cause – The Smiling for Smiddy Charity. So, like us, get inspired and donate.



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